uuuaaahhhhh!
crack
thud
my phone lies on my bedroom floor
lifeless and silent, disconnected
tears break across my face
knees fall slowly to my bed
forehead resting gently
i cannot take it!
how do i find solace in this place?!
happiness and comfort are forsaken here!
…silence…………………………………………………………….
how do i love?
facebook, twitter, music, life
constant reminders of what i am not
i am a coward, passive, afraid
single, undesired, cast away, forgotten
eyes burning the outline of the circle i walk
wanting so desperately to break the curve
but scared to break away from its consistency
God! how do i strike out, set a new path?
where is my confidence? where is my strength?
I DO NOT HAVE ANY!!!
they have fled from me, long ago!
it is not fair! it is not just!
You bless others, and leave me
to fester in my own worthlessness
a pig wallowing in mud, a dog returning to its vomit
You have not rescued me
You have only teased me
taunting me with what i do not have
You say i need only reach out and take it
I HAVE REACHED A THOUSAND TIMES!!
and each time, You take a step back
You are a cruel king
basking in the luxuries of Your kingdom
and sharing only with those You like
who You have chosen at random
to bless, to give life, to smile upon
oh what i would give to see a smile
to be welcomed with a gentle spirit
protecting arms, a kind face
when the weariness of life overcomes me
to know that i will be loved and watched over
Daddy, will i ever be favored in Your sight?
or am i forever stuck in the misery of this slavery?!
i want Love
love has abandoned me, forsaken me
will i ever experience it?
i know that it is out there, wandering about, somewhere
where is it!?
i want to FIND IT!
to know what it is to be safe
experience joy that will not be silenced
dance with feet that cannot be shackled!
to be known intimately, to be earnestly desired
i want IT
i. want. You.
…stillness……………………………………………………………………….
My son
you are not alone
never have you been forgotten
open your eyes, that I crafted with my own bare hands
feel your heart beat, that I set into rhythm
listen to your breath, that I breathed into you
My son, oh My son!
you have always been welcome in My arms
never have they been closed to you
never have you been a stranger to Me
I have been watching you with such excitement
you are doing so well
you are My son, and I delight in you everyday
I know it is hard
I know that life seems unfair and cruel
I gave you the desires of your heart
I put them inside you before the dawn of time
they are My own desires for you
and they are good!
but My son, My dear child
am I not enough?
I Am your Daddy
I Am your Lover
I Am your Protector
I Am your Sustenance
I Am your God!
and you are My son!
you belong to Me!
I Am all you have ever needed
and I Am all you will ever need
I Am worthy of being all that you want
do not place me on a shelf with other things!
I Am the absolute BEST for you!
come here, My son; come, let Me hold you
*whispers*
you are most precious to Me
you cannot fail
the courage you seek
is already inside you
breaking through the walls that fear has built
the desires that drive you mad
they are being redeemed, made pure again
and I will raise them up to a most glorious fruition
but My son, you are not ready
I Am enough for you
I will always be more than enough
with Me, you can NOT fail
I will never leave your side, I will never abandon you
Love will be with you, everywhere you go
go now My son
go forth and love
I am using you in ways you cannot understand
you are glorifying Me some magnificently
not by your strength or talent, but by My power
and I will see the work in you, through to completion
go, My son, and do not fear
I can not be stopped
I can not be beaten
You are victorious!
in victory, there is no use of fear
fear flees in the coming of victory
be strong My son
every morning I watch you wake from your sleep
erupting with excitement for the day
be encouraged, oh My child!!
you are growing, you are learning
be of great courage
and fight ferociously
I Am at your side always
…whoa…………………………………………………………………………
okay, Daddy